Excerpt: Aftermath

I found it a strange and hollow world after Bruce was arrested.  As much as I was relieved that the torture was over.  I was lost, I felt that a lot had been taken from my life.  I understood my role with Bruce and understood how it was supposed to end.  Suddenly all of it was over and I was supposed to be normal, to feel normal, to have a normal life. Only I didn’t.  None of it was normal.  I had less after Bruce was arrested than before.  Suddenly it was over and I was supposed to fit in the normal straight world only to find that I was completely different from my experience with Bruce, and could not relate to the normal world, I had nothing with anyone, nothing with my family and suddenly I had to live with it.  Live with knowing I had nothing and feeling that I was totally abnormal and abruptly cut off from an abnormal world and thrust into a normal world with no connection to it, a world that wasn’t normal.  I knew who I was supposed to be with Bruce.  I was a submissive prostitute that was narcotized on drugs and expected it to end my life. My suffering was going to end in my twenties as it couldn’t go on.  I didn’t want it to go on.

Then it was over, I still had all the feelings of who I was supposed to be, what I was, plus the sudden recognition of the brutality I had been through and all of it’s impact, the reality that suddenly turning my life normal wasn’t going to gain access to having a family or to friendship with others.  I was still on the outside.  Only I wasn’t open about it anymore.  I expected to die and knew how it would end with Bruce.  I wouldn’t have to feel the way I did forever.  And the end would have been a fuck you to the world and my family.  I wanted the satisfaction of the fuck you that a violent, lonely death would have given.  Suddenly I had to live.

I was forever changed.  I had been pushed to my limits, seen things I never expected to see or have to endure, been with people that I never had experience with that are all outside the usual world.  I was also a torture victim.  I had a whole different understanding of rules of engagement of life and returning to the normal world wasn’t just flipping a switch.  My whole self definition was different.

end excerpt